Gaps, patches and in-betweens

It was invigorating in the midst of half-naked bodies. The atmosphere exuded power. The good kind, stemming from years of being restricted and forbidden.  It reminded me of my 20s, backstage, in a dressing room of a bar with pole dancing. The feeling was excited, so many colors and the air energized as the women bustled about with make-up and shiny clothes, or lack of it, preparing for a performance.  The difference with today’s was the sense of empowerment.  At the bar they had to do it for work, lack of opportunity, what they thought was best for them at that time. Sometimes they would have to sit with customers and order a drink. Hopefully, they enjoyed it.  Today, they wanted to show skin. They expressed themselves on the pole for themselves. Paying for the chance to do so. It was their choice. It was the usual aerial pole dance studio.  I was just the mom waiting for the daughter with a moment of a spectacular feeling. "I am an X in an indeterminate equatio...

It landed on my lips with the thickness of lard then I tasted the unpleasant surprise sweetness that  should never be for noodle soup. I bit through a-few-minutes-to-al-dente noodles. Even chili and vinegar could not fix the strange taste. But it was not just the taste.  It was also the feeling.  There was no joy  of eating, of tasting, of flavors. Gulping down the last of the pieces of spring onion leaves and shred of a chicken,  I stare at the chicken foot that was left in my bowl.  The almost cold soup felt like it was served by a widower at a funeral,  lost, now that the reason for his being has gone. Or being alone, in solitude in a crowd.  Or someone solving the mysterious murder of someone no one cares about.  Per Alanis Morisette, “it’s meeting the man of your dreams then meeting his beautiful wife.”  What is the point?  I wanted to complain to my daughter who was obediently finishing hers.  It took all I had to keep si...

I fear lightning even when I am inside a safe space that is my home. I fear the silent disruption of that spark of light illuminating the glum world.  The flashes within seconds jolt me and I cringe.   The thunder's announcement  to take shelter is always too late.  I fear the water during thunderstorms. That somehow, the lightning  will travel with the water through the pipes  when I shower and I end up  naked and grotesquely dead. I fear the rain  when it pours stronger than  the liquor in my gut. And floodwaters will rise leaving us stranded. My front view is a swamp for a few days. And although I am still alive and life will go on the smell of rotting will seep through  my lungs as the waters are about to dry. And while the sun is shining, I go out and about forgetting. And they will all soon come back and  so will the fears and I have done nothing about it. "I am an X in an indeterminate equation. And that X is the rock upon wh...

In a cocoon waiting for flight As the year turns a new chapter   And we are in our new home I am in my new role In a different country   And we soar   This year always up   On top of all the worldly woes   With more friends and no foes We are above and at peace Because finally, we do not want Our needs are met With more than enough   Love, kindness and blessings   As the universe watches us Do good to ourselves and others And at night we watch the stars flicker With a whispered lullaby   That all will be well. "I am an X in an indeterminate equation. And that X is the rock upon which I stand." - Mario Puzo

The sword has not been wielded for a time The warrior is spent Wounds still smart, it will take a few more seasons to be scars And lessons yet to be learned   The shield is still lodged in the enemy’s right shoulder   No one dares remove it They are waiting for their king to clean up the bloodbath Must I do everything? Where is everyone? Where the **** is my crown?! "I am an X in an indeterminate equation. And that X is the rock upon which I stand." - Mario Puzo

An old (older than me) couple sat diagonally from where I was on the train to Nam Tok. The man with mostly white hair was in a bright yellow shirt, blending well with the wooden seat painted a duller yellow. The woman with long black braided hair had on a straw hat quaintly decorated with two large flowers of different colors. She was also wearing a jumper and looked quite "country". When it was time for people to take notice of the tracks running atop a steep cliff, the view narrowing to rock formations that you can touch if you dared, the man went to our side, watched the view and waved to those watching the train make the trip. Coming back from Nam Tok, I was happily seated by myself enjoying my own spot for four small people, seats facing the other, on the wrong side again of the good view. I mulled over how lucky I was to be on the trip. To my right sat a middle-aged couple. The local girl and her farang husband reflected my mood. They were both just smiling the whole t...