Diru turns 18
Dear Diru,
Of course, you will not be spared from my letter. Your sister got one. Now it is your turn.
You have to understand why it is difficult for us to let you go, even as you turn 18 today. First, you like to get lost, which is easy enough because second, you have no sense of direction. You are very young. Too young to wander off on your own. You will never be too old, at least never any older than us, or to us, my Dear.
But that would be our defeat and failure—if we do not let you go.
You will always be my baby. But alas your superpower cancels out mine. You are growing too fast, too soon. And it would not be fair for me to stop time even if I can because you have so many plans and dreams that they have no choice but to come true. One. By two. By three and so on until you don’t have to play the reiki anymore for a wish, only for its soothing and calming powers as you embrace all you have manifested.
I want to keep holding on to your soft yet strong hands that I once described felt like melted butter, to when you still need me to chase the monsters away because “…I am smarter than the tricks played on your heart.” You are the bravest with the phantoms, entities, shadows, whisperers and tuggers that I know you can slay should they pose to be more than an annoyance.
I hope I could still carry you like I did when you were smaller, seeing only people's knees while we walk, maybe feeling that you were missing out. We would lift you up to where we could enjoy seeing what the world was going on about.
I know it can be frustrating for a soul as free as yours to be caged and cloistered with a love like ours. You see, we are afraid. We are afraid that you might get hurt because when you and your sister are hurt, selfish as it may sound, we hurt more.
A wise woman who goes by the name of Ilaw once said to me - “Don't deny her the experience”. So we will let you go, hopefully before we smother you to acquiescence and submission and acceptance. Don’t let us do that.
Go and swim in the deep. I do not want to be the one to instill fear because you have none. Swim with those colorful fish and be scared of your own bubbles. Get lost in the forest. Travel alone. I will, in turn, try to shake off the feeling of wanting you to still need me to be there, as I would still want to be part of the life that you will craft for yourself.
But it's easy for you. You may have started letting go when you were at nursery school. On your first day your tatay and I hung around thinking you might miss us. And as we peeked to check if you were okay, you opened the classroom door and asked: “Why, Nanay? Why? I’m okay,” your eyes silently saying “What are you still doing here?”.
I wish to freeze time to when you would open my cabinet and get "costumes" from my daily wardrobe. Until that year when you treat my clothes as a fashion statement and my cabinet emptied itself as yours and the laundry bag got fuller. It was my excuse to get new clothes. Then you started returning them.
Have those adventures with this life and have fun. And while at it, I would still want you to tell me everything. And keep talking. And talking and talking. Like how everyone used to say “She doesn’t stop!” Don’t stop talking to me even when you are angry or hurt or ashamed or happy or sad or feeling awesome or when the magic begins or ends. And don't stop being the good listener that you are, which is the very reason why you are so good at talking.
Enjoy this phase of adulting. And as I write this, I realize that I need not let you go for it will be, selfish as it may sound, my defeat and failure if I do.
My darling dear, I will not let you go. I will watch and let you grow and run and chase your dreams with wonder and kindness and humility and compassion.
Do not stop exploring the best that you can be. You are already starting to move away from the influences of the olds - yes, olds includes your sister, and you are, to the favorite words of Tatay, metamorphosing into the best you that you could possibly be.
As I hear your perspectives become more informed and you start owning your opinions, you find your voice amidst us, your family, three opinionated people. You passionately try to change what you can in this world on your own through an idea, a reply, a gesture, or a tearful comeback, fueled by your strength.
I know I cannot let my fear of your tears, frustrations and heartaches stop that. While we do not ever want to see those tears shed for whatever reason other than joy, we cannot shelter you forever.
I need to tell you that whatever you choose to do or become, you are beautiful. Not because you look like me, or your sister or Tatay. But because you are you.
So I will stand back and you be the best you. I will try not to cover my eyes with your brilliance when you shine.
And our love for you can only ever remain as sweet as your name.
Happy 18.
October 24, 2019
"I am an X in an indeterminate equation. And that X is the rock upon which I stand." - Mario Puzo
Of course, you will not be spared from my letter. Your sister got one. Now it is your turn.
You have to understand why it is difficult for us to let you go, even as you turn 18 today. First, you like to get lost, which is easy enough because second, you have no sense of direction. You are very young. Too young to wander off on your own. You will never be too old, at least never any older than us, or to us, my Dear.
But that would be our defeat and failure—if we do not let you go.
You will always be my baby. But alas your superpower cancels out mine. You are growing too fast, too soon. And it would not be fair for me to stop time even if I can because you have so many plans and dreams that they have no choice but to come true. One. By two. By three and so on until you don’t have to play the reiki anymore for a wish, only for its soothing and calming powers as you embrace all you have manifested.
I want to keep holding on to your soft yet strong hands that I once described felt like melted butter, to when you still need me to chase the monsters away because “…I am smarter than the tricks played on your heart.” You are the bravest with the phantoms, entities, shadows, whisperers and tuggers that I know you can slay should they pose to be more than an annoyance.
I hope I could still carry you like I did when you were smaller, seeing only people's knees while we walk, maybe feeling that you were missing out. We would lift you up to where we could enjoy seeing what the world was going on about.
I know it can be frustrating for a soul as free as yours to be caged and cloistered with a love like ours. You see, we are afraid. We are afraid that you might get hurt because when you and your sister are hurt, selfish as it may sound, we hurt more.
A wise woman who goes by the name of Ilaw once said to me - “Don't deny her the experience”. So we will let you go, hopefully before we smother you to acquiescence and submission and acceptance. Don’t let us do that.
Go and swim in the deep. I do not want to be the one to instill fear because you have none. Swim with those colorful fish and be scared of your own bubbles. Get lost in the forest. Travel alone. I will, in turn, try to shake off the feeling of wanting you to still need me to be there, as I would still want to be part of the life that you will craft for yourself.
But it's easy for you. You may have started letting go when you were at nursery school. On your first day your tatay and I hung around thinking you might miss us. And as we peeked to check if you were okay, you opened the classroom door and asked: “Why, Nanay? Why? I’m okay,” your eyes silently saying “What are you still doing here?”.
I wish to freeze time to when you would open my cabinet and get "costumes" from my daily wardrobe. Until that year when you treat my clothes as a fashion statement and my cabinet emptied itself as yours and the laundry bag got fuller. It was my excuse to get new clothes. Then you started returning them.
Have those adventures with this life and have fun. And while at it, I would still want you to tell me everything. And keep talking. And talking and talking. Like how everyone used to say “She doesn’t stop!” Don’t stop talking to me even when you are angry or hurt or ashamed or happy or sad or feeling awesome or when the magic begins or ends. And don't stop being the good listener that you are, which is the very reason why you are so good at talking.
Enjoy this phase of adulting. And as I write this, I realize that I need not let you go for it will be, selfish as it may sound, my defeat and failure if I do.
My darling dear, I will not let you go. I will watch and let you grow and run and chase your dreams with wonder and kindness and humility and compassion.
Do not stop exploring the best that you can be. You are already starting to move away from the influences of the olds - yes, olds includes your sister, and you are, to the favorite words of Tatay, metamorphosing into the best you that you could possibly be.
As I hear your perspectives become more informed and you start owning your opinions, you find your voice amidst us, your family, three opinionated people. You passionately try to change what you can in this world on your own through an idea, a reply, a gesture, or a tearful comeback, fueled by your strength.
I know I cannot let my fear of your tears, frustrations and heartaches stop that. While we do not ever want to see those tears shed for whatever reason other than joy, we cannot shelter you forever.
I need to tell you that whatever you choose to do or become, you are beautiful. Not because you look like me, or your sister or Tatay. But because you are you.
So I will stand back and you be the best you. I will try not to cover my eyes with your brilliance when you shine.
And our love for you can only ever remain as sweet as your name.
Happy 18.
October 24, 2019
"I am an X in an indeterminate equation. And that X is the rock upon which I stand." - Mario Puzo
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